Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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