Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
