video games are the ultimate cock blocker
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
