youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
