I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
my poor anus
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
