i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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