I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
