dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
