I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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