the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
