Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
