If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize