A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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