I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
