dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
