Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
