Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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