I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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