I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
