Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
