took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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