Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize