I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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