My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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