Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
