She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
