Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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