Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
