billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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