When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
