I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
