even my farts smell like vagina
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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