I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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