Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Pants are for mortals
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
