They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
