Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize