am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
