Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
