I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
