i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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