i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
