Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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