Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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