the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Boobs are out for the taking
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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