Come see our sink grown plant.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
