What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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