a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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