So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
