I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
