I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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