Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
