smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
