Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
