he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
