Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
