the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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