I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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