My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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