so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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