I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize