you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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