The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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