so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
