So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
