We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize