I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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