My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
you didnt know i had herpes?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
