I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
