this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
